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Sleazy Hugh wrote:
Hugh in your shoe!

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Please sign my petition to exhume the corpse of Rosemary Clooney, so we may determine without a doubt that she was murdered by Bette Midler.

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Benny Hathaway wrote:
Hello, everyone! I'm Benny Hathaway. I run the Monkey Ape Vine Newspaper at the Red Heel Monkey Shelter. I am also responsible for Monkey Census and the Monkey Peanut Gallery, which is a non-profit art show I produce to encourage the inhabitants of the Red Heel to express themselves. Reggie, who is one of our keepers, asked me to interview Mrs. Tiffany about what her expectations at the Red Heel Message Board might be.

So I interviewed her. It wasn't easy. Mrs. Tiffany has a rotten attention span. And she drinks. She wasn't particularly drunk when we were doing this interview, but she wasn't particularly sober, either.

Anyway:

Benny: Hello, Mrs. Tiffany. I understand you are going to run a sock monkey message board. Why don't you tell us a little something about yourself?

Mrs. Tiffany: Hello! I am Mrs. Tiffany! Ordinarily I sit in the kitchen and look out of the window, singing songs by the Beach Boys and laughing at foolish things that Reject and Her Majesty, do while they are washing dishes or preparing meals! But this leaves me with a lot of down time, and quite frankly, with too much downtime, I occasionally get into the cooking wine!

Benny Hathaway: Why did you decide to start a monkey message board?

Mrs. Tiffany: My doctor has recommended I find something else to do rather than just sitting around drinking, so I have started my very own sock monkey message board! I like this message board because it gives me an opportunity to vent my frustrations about the oppressive peoples who boss us around here at the Red Heel Monkey House, and to complain about other uppity monkeys who think they’re so cool around here!

Benny Hathaway: Who can post on this message board?

Mrs. Tiffany: If there are any other sock monkeys out there who want to talk to me, I would welcome your company! I would also welcome the words of any peoples out there who are more sympathetic to my plights and problems than the peoples I have to suffer under at the Red Heel! They drive me crazy.

Benny Hathaway: One problem I see with this is that most monkeys can't read or write. How do you propose to solve this delimma?

Mrs. Tiffany: I made Reject get one of those fancy text translator communicators, so I can talk to you all and I don’t actually have to read or learn how to spell! Reggie bought it for me on the condition that I let other monkeys use it as well, so I guess you will unfortunately be hearing from other monkeys besides myself from the Red Heel!

Benny: Are there any other posting guidelines you can tell us about?

Tiffany: Although I abhor this sort of thing, Reggie has asked that I list a few guidelines for the message board so that we can all operate under the same rules and assumptions and have as much fun together as possible! So, with that a-do-do out of the way, we can get on with our lives on the board!

1. You do not have to be a sock monkey to post on “Dear Message Board”. However, you have to understand that the bulk of the posters on “Dear Message Board” are sock monkeys. This is a simple fact. Do not challenge our existence. We are here. We are real. Get used to it! Posts complaining that “this is stupid” or “you are all crazy” - will be flamed for being entirely too obvious. In addition - most message boards ask that you stay on topic. The topic here is whatever the sock monkeys are talking about at the time. This is a sock monkey message board, and all the commentary should be directed towards and about the characters who roam this board. This is not a personal chat area for anyone but the Red Heel Monkeys.

2. If you are a sock monkey, please post your picture on in the avatar section of the message board so that everyone can see how beautiful you are! It is very easy to give yourself an avatar, and it adds a great deal to the fun! If you need help, please contact Whyzzy-wygg, our resident tech monkey.

3. Some of the sock monkeys who will post here are very sensitive creatures, and our feelings are hurt by hostile language, or “fowl” language. Do not flip us the bird! Remember, we are animals whose sole purpose in this world is to amuse and delight the young and the young at heart. Although this is not strictly speaking a kid’s board, we should treat it as if it is! You don’t need to dumb it down or use “simple” words, but please try to keep it clean! If you want use “rock and roll” words, please go over to Dr. Filth’s Message Board. They are much thicker skinned hoodlums over there! That goes double for you, Xantham Gumm!

4. Sock monkeys have few opinions about world affairs or issues of extreme national import! We don’t want to hear about it! We like to talk about ourselves and our petty problems! Keep politics out of posting!

5. If you a peoples under the age of, say, 16 or so and you want to post on the Red Heel Message Board, welcome! But please make sure you let your parents know what you are up to! Show them the Red Heel Message Board and the Red Heel website (show them all of Whizzkid1 especially if your dad is a record collector or your mom and dad like T-shirts!) Make sure that they think this is a good, or at least not entirely wasteful, use of your time! Thank you! Parents, if you want to post on the Red Heel Message Board, make sure to talk to your children and make sure it is all right! Show them the message board and the Red Heel website, especially if your children like t-shirts or records! Make sure that they think this is a good, or at least not entirely wasteful, use of your time! Thank you!

6. The principal Sock Monkey Characters, their characteristics and mannerisms, who appear on this site and on the Love Monkeys section of www.whizzkid1.com. com are owned and are ©2003 whizzkid1.com. All other sock monkey characters are the property of their respective hosts and captors.

7. There is no need to post a lot at the Red Heel. The Red Heel is, overall, an exercise in creative writing for its various and sundry members, and creativity requires time and concentration in addition to spontaniety. If you are only going to post - "Oh yeah!" or "Right on" or "I agree with that" you don't need to bother. It's unnecessary. Also, check over at the Red Heel website before asking questions, maybe an issue of the monkey ape vine can help you. Just take time and think before you post, it will increase the quality of reading experience for everyone who comes to read the board. Not everyone who reads the Red Heel posts. It is a reading board as much as it is a posting board. Keep that in mind.


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Thanks to Mrs. Tiffany for taking time out from her drinking to clarify these issues. We now return you to your regularly scheduled message board.



[Edited by Benny Hathaway]

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Juan Apancho wrote:
Es el nuevo caballo en el board del message, Apocalypso. Es un caballo purple! We should maybe be geeting heem for our raidings, sí?

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APOCALYPSO! wrote:
Hey juan, es un hombre que asusta cuervos. ¡Él está para los pájaros! Voy a dormir mirándolo. ¡Él piensa que él nos hace asustados! ¡Ha ha ha ha ha!

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